Arranged marriage and its flaws.

   👫💖💑    ARRANGED MARRIAGE AND ITS FLAWS.💞

                 

                        Isn't arranged marriage the biggest relationship gamble, a puzzle, a guessing game that both families play? 

        Truly it depends on luck, their faith and belief that “marriages are made in heaven”.

      It is interesting to note that we are taught our entire life not to believe in strangers and suddenly we find ourselves with a stranger with whom we are expected to spend the next entire life with. Mine was an arranged marriage. When my marriage was fixed , I was surely excited, but, I also had feelings of anxiety, fear, confusion, cold feet all at the same time. 

     Arranged marriages and the way they are fixed and executed have seen a lot of improvements in the last many years.

      In the earlier days, childhood marriages were very common. The couple grew together in their innocence not knowing then the meaning of love or even having the age maturity to understand the true meaning of “marriage". There were no options or choices available back then.

       I remember my grandmother mentioning that she had not met grandpa till the wedding day … it sounded like a blind marriage to me! That is how it used to be in those days . We all know that in the olden days, marriage proposals would be fixed with or without the consent of the couple by the elders depending on the family’s personal interest ( looks, skills, profession, status, reputation, caste etc ) or there would be a financial interest involved. Some arranged marriages would be fixed around a lot of false information, exaggerations, concealed truths and lies. The couple were expected to suffer the repercussions later. This might be happening even today to some extent. Not that all the arranged marriages were that way but this was a general pattern seen. Dowry system has always remained one of the biggest flaw in arranged marriages. A lot has changed for the better in the last few years. Yet, a lot needs to be changed as, even today there are dowry crimes actively committed in the closed doors despite of strict laws prevailing.

      Well, now in the present time, I would like to believe that the arranged marriages are more genuine. The age difference between the bride and the groom has also lessened now. Wouldn't you agree that the modern thinking has brought considerably good and positive changes? Besides the traditional process of proposals and match fixing; the better styled marriage bureaus, matrimony adverts, marriage websites etc have added a modern pleasing flavour to the entire process of arranged marriages making it exciting and more easily approachable. Not only does the couple get a chance to see their life partner before the wedding but, they also enjoy the carefree and exciting courtship period. Romance does bloom in arranged marriages too in the form of love letters/ emails, landline phone conversations ( thanks to Mr. Bell for inventing the phone), new technology boons like wireless calling, video chats like Skype, Face time, WhatsApp and of course the traditional spending physical quality time together before actually getting married. The very special courtship days tie and strengthen the delicate bond between the couple and build a strong communication rapport in between the families. It gives both the families enough time to understand and adapt with each other.

      Don't you all think though that the tradition of arranged marriage is becoming outdated slowly with the changing generation and the new ideologies? The new generation is becoming smarter and faster having their own strong mind and opinions.The institution of marriage has seen endless discussions and arguments as to what is better - Arranged or Love marriage? No one has been able to close the argument successfully yet. I personally think that it really doesn't matter how you get married, once you are married you are a "wife" and he is your "husband". Destiny plays its trick you see. I do know some people who firmly believe that they are not marriage material at all while many others are still on a match hunt .. Love or arranged anything would do for them !!

   I have learnt and believe that once married (any which way.. doesn't really matter), besides love, lust, attachment and togetherness, it ultimately narrows down to : 
(1) Respecting and always standing next to each other while fulfilling the needs and taking care of emotions,
(2) Showing compassion and empathy towards each other and their families,  
(3) Having compatibility and trust each other, 
(4) Their readiness to commit to the relationship, giving each other the required security ( mental as well as financial) and
(5)  Facing the long run responsibilities together as a team. 
   Supporting each other and the family in the best possible way every time and taking any decisions together thickens the bond. 

      I have not seen any perfect marriage in my life. 

Will there ever be the "right one"? Aren't we all good in our own way? Situations and our reactions make us better or worse.

 Every marriage is a package of perfection and flaws. It depends on each individual and the couple how they avail and enjoy it. Showing the right compassion at the right time is very useful in any marriage. Two thinking minds, two different temperaments and two thought processes and views under one single roof will always see clashes at some point of time. There is no secret formula for a happy marriage. We need to develop our own skills, have an open mind, use ideas, work equally and try to find the right working way to reach each other's mind and heart. 

       I don't know whether this is a flaw in arranged marriages but, we can’t predict what we are getting into and we can’t be cribbing later too. The family pressures are too tight. 

“Adjustment” word plays a crucial role especially more in arranged marriages. Adjusting together slowly and steadily, learning and adapting to each other's habits, needs, thinking, preferences, moods, personalities and much more is what happens in the first year of marriage. Here, you commit first and then learn to meet your commitments unlike the love marriages.

           Another flaw that I see is that the couple is always burdened by the family name and reputation. This happens in any marriage but the burden is felt more in arranged marriages that's what I have seen . Sadly, expectations and assumptions put a load slightly more on the bride. Family intervention in such marriages is very common and could get hard to deal with. The pressure building up could get out of control sometimes at some bitter situations complicate the entire relationship. The stress felt at such times could be devastating. Highly active volcano does erupt at some point causing terrible damages to the surroundings!

         

            Don't you think that the divorces are at a rise these days? Arranged or Love marriages, walking out of the marriage is happening in both. Would I be wrong if I think that the frequency is higher among the working couples? It makes me wonder: Is the work pressure, balancing the personal and the professional life, the complexities that follow taking a toll on the married life? Modern couples have been very vocal in expressing themselves and taking extreme firm decisions in these recent years. Sometimes there isn't any spark left in a relationship and parting ways is the best solution they can reach. I can imagine how stressful it would be on both the hearts to deal with the proceedings. It is sadder if there are children involved. The children need to be in a safe and secure environment and the parents must make sure that happens. It does take a long time to adjust to the tough decisions made. But, it is also true that every person has the right to live in peace and be happy in life. Life does open new doors and love can bloom again .

          Allow me to conclude by saying that let's not stop believing in the institution of marriage. Marriage is a thrilling and memorable ride that the two connected souls take together which at times will be like a scary roller coaster and other times will it be magical and enjoyable. It is worth to take that ride.

 Why not cherish and re-live the happy moments , ignore the sad ones.  Let's give our best!!

         If you enjoy reading my thoughts do like, follow and comment. Your suggestions and comments will help me grow. Many thanks and take care.